Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
