I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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