Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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