Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
