i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
