I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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