I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
