My liver just broke up with me...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
