I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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