You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
