Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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