Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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