i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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