you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
