Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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