9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
