I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
