Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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