my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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