i just wanna soil my oats bro
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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