You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
