I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
