I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
God I need to hump something, right now.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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