Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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