Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
