i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
