I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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