The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
