She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
