Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
