they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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