Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
