so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
