God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
