I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
