took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
