she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
