i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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