I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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