I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
