new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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