I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
