My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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