Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
