Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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