Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
