I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
