The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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