I can text with my tongue
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
