you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
